fandomhigh | Entries tagged with romance 101

"So today we're talking about love languages again." Look at that, Navaan starting right off! Good for you, boo. "Remember those? Yeah, well, the one we're talking about today is gifts! Because when all else fails, you can give stuff to people and they'll like you more. Maybe they'll like you at all! People like stuff and when you give them stuff, not only are you giving them something they like, probably more than you, but you're also showing them there's the possibility of getting more stuff in the future."

And who wasn't highly gift-motivated? Gray knew what she was talking about.

"Now, if you give them a gift and they still say no, it just means you didn't hit the gift threshold. Some people's gift threshold is very high, we call them high-maintenance and is that really something you need in your life? You're already doing romance, gods! Other people's gift thresholds are very low. They're easy and much more fun. Go for easy. But anyway, if you haven't hit the gift threshold yet, just keep giving. Try to vary it up a bit. Buy them something expensive, maybe that'll hit it and they'll let you hit it. Buy them a bunch of little things, see if they go for quantity instead of quality. Or, best yet, go for a lot of expensive things - best of both worlds. People have put out for less, trust me!"

Please just take her word for it.

"Now, for some relationships, again, it's easy. For purely transactional relationships, just exchange cash for services, there should be a list of services provided somewhere in the establishment. Ask the madam if you don't see it. For some more casual relationships, a few drinks will probably do it. Maybe a whole bottle if you're going with champagne. The more complicated relationships, you gotta get more creative. So, brainstorm or something, I guess."

doesdoctorstuff

"Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, we're still on dating," Navaan complained when the class had gathered. There was a projector and a screen pulled down at the front of the room. "Apparently there have been 'complaints,' which means one of you is a narc." She glared around the room, lingering on a few of you in particular.

...The squirrel in the window shrunk down and hoped that she wouldn't notice him.

"Anyway, this had better be the last stupid week of this," she continued. "I guess you all have to watch some dumb movie about dating, so you know how not to act like an asshole or whatever. I've watched it, it doesn't even get into who should provide the lube or the importance of reciprocity. Whatever. I'm taking a nap while you saps watch this."

And then she started the projector so the class could watch the dating woes of 'Woody.'

doesdoctorstuff

"So like...dates. I guess they're the stuff you do before you find somewhere to flang," Navaan said with a shrug. "They're supposed to help you get to know the other person, which sounds like a lot of work just to get laid, but you're all here for romance so I guess that's what you wanna do? Dinner and a movie is the usual, but ordering pizza and then telling the delivery person you don't have any cash and you'll have to pay for it another way is a lot more fun. You can even make your own movie if you want!"

Look. That might not be what you wanted to hear, but that didn't make her wrong.

"There are also a bunch of different things you could do if you don't just wanna eat dinner or see a movie." Navaan was clearly reading off of notes. "You can have a picnic somewhere. Or go hiking. Or get coffee. Or--ughhhhhhhhhhhhh these are all so boring. All this stuff sucks. Just go out and get drunk and go back to somebody's house! It's easy! Why are you all complicating it? Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

Tell us how you really feel, Navaan.

"I don't know, stand up and tell people about what you'd do for a romantic first date and we'll all talk about ways to make it suck less or whatever. You!" She pointed to someone. "You're up."

doesdoctorstuff

"So, like, obviously you have to talk to people that you wanna be romantic with." Yet another clear reason that sex was so much better, you could skip talking entirely, but Navaan had pretty much given up on this class understanding the obvious - which was why she was saying it now. "And at least some of that talk has to be flirting. How else is the person you're talking to gonna know you wanna...umm. Date them? Or whatever?" Not the verb she'd been thinking of, but again, this class. "If you talk to them the say way to talk to your teacher or a waiter or a coworker or whatever, how are they supposed to know that you want - err, like - them in a different way than you do those people?" Even Navaan varied up how she talked to people. There were the 'people I'm probably not gonna flang for some reason' and 'everybody else.'

( Wait...is this...good information? )

And now she was bored of the topic. "Yeah, that's all I've got to say about that. Again, just going for sex is way less complicated and has a better pay-off in the end. I know I keep saying that, but I keep hoping it will sink in for some of you and you forget this whole 'looking for romance' thing and take the more fun option."

doesdoctorstuff

"Okay so, romance is really complicated," Navaan said once she got around to starting class, whenever that turned out to be. "Like, waaaaaay more complicated than sex. Even flang! So, like, the smart thing to do would be to stop worrying about romance and just go for sex, but most of you have that shiny virgin thing going on so that's probably a non-starter." She sighed. "Anyway, how do I know romance is more complicated than sex? Well, for one thing, I'm smart. I'm both a doctor AND a romance novelist-slash-smut peddler, so I know what I'm about. But also, love has different languages. Sex doesn't! You don't even need to speak the same language to have sex! But 'love'--" and yes, she was doing finger quotes there "--apparently needs five and if you don't speak the same one your partner or -ners do, your relationship is horribly doomed and you'll die alone forever."

A beat.

"Also not a problem with sex, I'm just saying."

You know, in case anyone was missing the point that sex was better than romance any day of the week and twice on Sundays.

"So anyway, the five love languages are Gift-Giving, for when you or your person are spoiled rotten; Physical Touch, for all you horndogs out there; Acts of Service, for all you kinky horndogs, Words of Affirmation, for you dirty-talkers and people with praise kinks particularly, and...the other one." Which she couldn't be bothered to remember because it hadn't been sexy enough.

"So we're gonna spend the rest of the workshop talking about these languages so all you little kinksters can figure out what floats your boat so that if you one day decide to actually put some effort into your relationship, you might actually not flame out horribly and embarrass yourself so badly that your shame will follow you for forever. That happens sometimes. I've seen it."

doesdoctorstuff

For once, Navaan was neither passed out on her desk when class filed in or suffering from a misery of a hangover. On the other hand, that meant she was prepared for class, which, for some reason, involved a great many ~~moddable~~ craft supplies, including whole swathes of fabric, scissors, sewing machines, cardboard, markers, and, of course, glitter. So, so, much glitter. The glitter was never coming out, sorry folks. It was like the unholy love child of a JoAnn Fabrics and a Michaels that then got drunk of Goldschlager.

By the time class was done, you might be wishing that she'd just rolled in drunk.

"Welcome to Romancing for Dummies," she said brightly. "So, you poor, lonely saps have been looking at your love lives lately, realized that it was a howling, desolate wasteland of emptiness, and decided to get off your asses and change that. Good for you! Good job showing initiative! I mean, you've all still got a whole long way to go, look at yourselves, but this is a step in the right direction. Now, of course, romance is hard and boring and you'll probably be happier skipping out on that and going for a lifetime of casual sex and drug use, but I dunno, some of you got that romantic type look about you that says you actually want, like, emotions. Which probably means you're still a virgin because orgasms feel better than love any day--" Or so she was assuming, who knew? "--but that's between you and your whoever or whatever. God, partner, partners, sentient right hand, whatever.

"Anyway, I'm a doctor, which means I have a lot of practice seducing secrets out of people, because that's what doctors do." Obviously. Keep up, class. "And I explained to my little guys who were helping me, when it comes to seduction, you can't just give them what they think they want. Why not? Because that's not seduction. That's romance. Probably. Seducing involves keeping your target intrigued, surprised, and a little bit afraid. But what they both have in common?"

She paused for dramatic effect. Don't worry class, you had no way of guessing what she was about to say next ~~unless you'd read the comic~~. But duh. That was why she was teaching this class and you weren't.

"That's right! Costumes! Seduction costumes are sexy, but also a little bit menacing, but also inviting. Romancing costumes are also sexy, so you can get past the mushy feelings stuff to flanging faster, but actually in tune with what the other person wants. So you're gonna have to think. What does whoever you're trying to romance like? What do they find sexy? What do they want? In what ways can I flaunt myself like a weird bird or whatever that does weird dances like on the nature documentary I watched with John last night after Arthur fell asleep? So that's what we're doing today, folks! You're gonna settle in and make yourself a good romancing costume and introduce yourself in it and then I'm going to critique it and explain why you're probably never gonna find anybody if that's what your taste is like!"

She gestured to the mounds of supplies. "Okay! Get at it! Show me your romantic prowess through the medium of costume!"

carpe_demon

Drake had the class meet in the Danger Shop this time. He was his own personal Danger Shop in a way, but he had plans for the students to make use of it.

"You've made it through dates and dancing and singing and other romantic gestures, now it's time for the big moment," Drake said. "The marriage proposal. The concept of marriage varies from culture to culture, but it's generally some kind of pledge to spend the rest of your lives together, along with an exchange of some sort of token, like a ring." Not that kind of ring, Karla.

"There are all sorts of ways to propose. Generally, you want to choose some sort of romantic moment to proclaim your everlasting love, like a candlelit dinner, but there are no set rules. There are plenty of ways to do it. You can hire an airplane to fly a banner through the sky. You can spell it out on the ground and take him or her for a hot air balloon ride -- just don't drop the ring. You can hide the ring in a wineglass or dessert, but you have to be careful they doesn't accidentally eat it and spoil the moment. You can propose via a huge view screen at a sporting event, but you gotta be prepared for public humiliation in that case if the object of your affection says no. You can even go on a TV show to pick your mate, but that's kind of silly."

Drake moved over to Angela and sank down to one knee, snapping his fingers to conjure up a ring. He held it up to her, his eyes full of adoration. "Or you can simply drop down to one knee and say 'Angela, I love you. Will you marry me?'"

Drake hopped back up to his feet and vanished the ring before Angela could react. "Anyway, your final assignment is to imagine you're with the person you're spending the rest of your life with. You want to ask him or her to be your husband or wife. Then pair up and make that proposal. You can play with the Danger Shop controls if you want to create the atmosphere, and I'll give you big points for creativity."

Current Mood: loved

carpe_demon

"You're in luck," Drake greeted the class, "today I'm not going to make you sing or dance or chat each other up for dates. Today you just have to observe." He snapped his fingers, conjuring up an old fashioned film projector. "I'm going to show you a little movie called 'Love, Actually,' a romantic comedy that covers about a month and a half of time and all sorts of different aspects of love and romance. Watch, learn, continue to be cynical...but at least enjoy Hugh Grant dancing like a dork."

Current Mood: content
Current Music: Garbage - #1 Crush

carpe_demon

Much to the horror of most of the class, they would find a karaoke set-up in the front of the room when they arrived. Don't even think of trying to slink away; Drake would hunt you down and drag you back, kicking and screaming.

"All right, kiddies," Drake said, clapping his hands and rubbing them together. "Love songs. I had you dance to them once, but today, we're going to sing them. Don't worry if you don't have a great voice. Sometimes embarrassing yourself a little can be a really romantic thing. So you're going to pick a song and belt it out. Sing from the heart. It's the words and the emotion that matters, not your voice. I'll step up and get you started."

( The power of love is a curious thing.... )

"Now, your turn. If you have trouble, I'll pick a song for you."

Current Mood: bouncy

carpe_demon

Fortunately, Drake was back to being Drake-shaped -- and clothed -- for class today. "So, when it comes to romance," he began the class, "it's the little things that really matter. You want to let your Significant Other know that they're on your mind and how you feel about them. Sure, you can make big, grand gestures, and I totally encourage that, but there are little things you can do every day. For instance, you could learn to say I love you in a foreign language, like je t'aime, te quiero, ich liebe dich, ti amo, is tú mo ghrá, ik hou van je, én légpárnás tele van az angolnák. Hide love notes where they'll find them later. Have flowers sent, or pick a bouquet of wildflowers yourself. Pack a basket and go for a picnic in the preserve or on the beach. Read some poetry. Cook a meal ~~unless you're Karla~~ and have a candlelight dinner. Lay out under the stars and make up your own constellations. Backrubs -- or footrubs -- are great, too.

"One the flip side, well, try to be sure what what you have planned won't go spectacularly wrong. Romantic gestures can vary from culture to culture, so you want to make sure that a box of chocolate doesn't mean 'I hate you and want to break up' in some bizarre world. Don't get flowers that your boy- or girlfriend is allergic to. Be careful not to mangle a foreign language and tell someone your hovercraft is full of eels. Knowing most of the girls around here, if she is momentarily startled by a loud boom of thunder, don't grab her and say you'll always be there to protect her from the storm or she'll likely knee you in the groin. Chocolate-covered strawberries are usually romantic, but a hot tub full of jello, while fun, is more on the kinky side. And most importantly, remember there's a line between romantic and obsessive, creepy stalking. Surprising your SO at work with lunch? Romantic. Following him or her everywhere? Stalking. Bringing them coffee in the morning? Romantic. Breaking into their room every night to watch them sleep? Stalking. Writing them a poem? Romantic. Telling them they can't see their friends? Just asking to get your ass kicked.

"So what's the most romantic thing you've done for someone?" Drake finished. "What's the most romantic thing someone's done for you? And if you don't have an answer to either of those questions, it's a good thing you're in this class, because that is something we have to fix."

Current Mood: giddy

carpe_demon

Danger Shop? Who needed it? Drake had conjured up a dance floor in the center of the class room for today, which should have been fair warning about what the class would go over today. For the students to sit, instead of desks there were several round tables like you'd find at a wedding or prom. There was no table number 9.

"Today, we're going to talk about slow dancing," Drake said. "It's a safe assumption that at some point in your dating career, you're going to end up on a dance floor, and the music could suddenly slow down. I'm going to make sure you're prepared and don't run flailing from the dance floor." He snapped his fingers, intending to change his outfit to something suitable for dancing. "Wait, no, that's not right." Snap. "That's not it, either." Snap. "Not what I had in mind, but it'll do. Now, if my lovely assistant Angela will join me...."

Fortunately, Drake didn't conjure up anything ridiculous for Angela to wear; she had on a lovely dress that totally complimented her coloring because Drake was a big fan of Project Runway and paid attention to details like that. "First off," he said, demonstrating with Angela as he spoke, "assume the position. Face your partner. You want to be close, but enough space between you that you can move freely, about four to six inches or so between your hips. This is slow dancing, not the lambada, so save the grinding for later when the chaperons aren't around and just waiting to throw a bucket of water on you. Then there's the awkward placement of the hands. If you're a boy-girl couple, then generally the boy will put his hands on the girl's hips, and the girl puts her arms around the boy's neck. Or you can just go with the taller person with hands on the hips, and the shorter with arms around the neck. You just want to be comfortable, and don't get handsy unless you've got a good comfort level with your partner and are pretty sure they won't slap you. Pay attention to your partner's body language. If you feel them draw back from you, then adjust your hands until you feel them relax."

Drake lifted one hand and snapped his fingers. A mariachi band appeared. "Fingers, you are so fired," he sighed. He snapped his fingers again and the band vanished, replaced by a standard-looking wedding band, who began to play a song. "There, much better. Now, from here, it's simple, really. Just kind of step slowly from side to side, moving in a circle, and mind your partner's feet. If you're coming close to stepping on them, adjust the space between you; you're probably too close. Go with the music, and take a step every beat or so." He demonstrated with Angela, even dipping her at one point. "But don't go for the advanced moves unless you're sure what you're doing," he grinned.

"OK, find a partner and hit the dance floor."

Current Mood: cheerful

carpe_demon

"All right, today we're going to talk about" -- Drake snapped his fingers and there was the appropriate sound effect -- "the First Date. Yeah, they can be terrifying. And exciting. The key is just to relax and be yourself. And if it doesn't work out" -- cue another sound effect -- "at least you tried.

"If you're already known the person for awhile, you've got an advantage in knowing what they like to do. If you don't, try to get an idea from their friends. If you're completely in the dark, go for something like dinner and a movie, but make sure you have a back-up plan in case your date doesn't eat the kind of food at your first restaurant of choice. Try a hike and a picnic, or spend some time at the beach or at a zoo, or maybe a museum or art gallery. Creativity is a plus, but don't go too overboard, or you'll have a tough act to follow for the second date.

"Two things are the most important to remember: be yourself. Don't work too hard to impress your date. You want them to like you for you, not someone you're pretending to be. And have a sense of humor. Something is probably going to go wrong -- you'll spill a drink, you'll lose your tickets, you'll set your date on fire -- but if you can laugh it off, you'll be able to relax and have a good time.

"Now, I want you to grab a partner and pretend you're going out on a first date. Decide where you're going to go, then act like you're really there." Drake grinned, and added, "Try to pair up with someone you don't know already so you really get that awkward effect."

Current Mood: bouncy
Current Music: Elton John - A Word in Spanish

carpe_demon

"Welcome to Romance 101," Drake cheerfully greeted the class. "Let's get down to business. So, what is romance? Originally it came from the world 'romanicus,' which just mean 'of the Roman style.' But that brings to mind orgies and marrying your sister, so we'll just skip over that part. Over the years, it turned into a literary genre full of heroic prose about knights in shining armor and ladies and chivalry and courtly love. Or nowadays, it's a paperback novel with women with a heaving bosoms clinging to men with a bare chests and impossible muscles. Or maybe it's just Lady Gaga singing about her love life. But for the purposes of this class, it's the ideal, deeply passionate love affair. Romance isn't something that can be defined easily -- it can only be experienced, and until you experience it, you will never really understand it. It's affection and attachment so deep that it makes you think you can do anything. It changes your whole outlook on life. It makes your heart race and your spirit soar. It makes you see the beauty in everything.

"We'll keep it simple for today. I want you all to tell me a little about yourself, and tell me why you're taking this class. And then we're going to talk about what romance means to you."

Current Mood: flirty

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Entries tagged with romance 101

Romancing For Dummies, Period 1

Romancing For Dummies, Period 1

Romancing For Dummies, Period 1

Romancing For Dummies, Period 1

Romancing For Dummies, Period 1

Romancing For Dummies, Period 1

Romance 101, Wednesday, Period 4 -- Class 7

Romance 101, Wednesday, Period 4 -- Class 6

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Romance 101, Wednesday, Period 4 -- Class 4

Romance 101, Wednesday, Period 4 -- Class 3

Romance 101, Wednesday, Period 4 -- Class 2

Romance 101, Wednesday, Period 4 -- Class 1

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