Fandom High School

"The king," Yennefer informed her students, "has grown bored with the war. That doesn't mean he wants to call the whole thing off, mind you. That would be admitting defeat--never mind that his armies are getting their asses kicked, which is why it's boring. Instead, he wants you to come up with a way to win quickly so he can move on to something new and more interesting. So you have a choice to make today: are you going to do come up with a brilliant new battle strategy no one has thought of before, or are you going to figure out a way to spin the realistic state of things as a victory? Discuss."

Yennefer wasted no time beating around the bush today. "The king has decided to build a new wing onto the palace to better represent his sense of style and modern tastes. Never mind that the palace is already a mish-mash of an architectural nightmare from generations of his forefathers doing the same thing, that's beside the point. The point is that these things cost money, and he is considering how to raise a lot of it rather quickly. To clarify: he wants to raise taxes. How will you advise him?"

The Danger Shop once again resembled the great hall of a medieval castle, with the king sitting in a thronelike chair at the end of the room. Yennefer told her students, "You are visiting an important lord, and the king has decided he likes the tapestries here much more than the ones at home. So much so, in fact, that while you and the lord who owns this castle weren't paying attention, he ordered some of the servants he brought along to take them off the walls and pack them up for him to bring home, a scenario generally known as 'theft' and 'wildly offensive to your host.' The servants, however, are frightened to disobey. What are you going to do with this situation?"

"Today is our last class together," Yennefer said. "I hope you leave it more prepared for the foolishness and nonsense you will face in the world from people who think that they could not ever possibly be wrong, because they are rich. Today you will face your final examination: the king is throwing a ball for all of the nobles from across the kingdom, and you must ensure that it is not a total disaster. Begin."

"There is no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to get it over with," Yennefer told her students. She took a deep breath, gathered herself, and said, "The king has embarked upon a series of practical jokes." The horror. "Now, if you don't see the problem with this, it's possible you don't remember some of His Majesty's previous, shall we say...ideas?" Strong word. "These jokes range from harmless but not particularly funny--the 'pull my finger' range--to his most recent notion, which is that he wants to have the Duke of...somewhere arrested for treason, and after several hours he will go to the prison and tell the duke that he is 'April's fool,' and have him freed. This seems like not the best idea to you, even if it would be amusing, which I assure you, it will not. How will you redirect the king?"

"Wonderful news in the castle this morning," Yennefer told her students. "The queen has been safely delivered of a bouncing baby..." The smile fell off her face. "Girl. The new princess joins her six sisters in the nursery, because the royal couple is fertile and blessed...with daughters.

"It might be important to note that this particular kingdom runs on male-only primogeniture, meaning that girls are basically considered useless except to marry off for alliances, and how many of those can you really make? Anyway, the king has lots of sons, they're just all illegitimate, so clearly this is the queen's fault, right?" Chromosomes, how did they work? "The king has decided to get rid of the queen in favor of a new wife who will doubtlessly pop out loads of bouncing baby boys for him. However, he is undecided on how to do this. He could divorce her and put her aside, but she is a member of an important family who might take offense. He could bring her to trial on trumped-up charges of adultery or witchcraft (even though witchcraft is not actually illegal) or some such thing, and have her executed. Or, and he really likes this idea, he could just hire an assassin and then be all, 'Oh, no, I have no idea how this crossbow bolt got in my wife.' Perhaps he could blame a neighboring kingdom or the elves or some such and have a war, which would be good fun.

"Did I mention the queen is from an important family? And that the people love her and she's very popular and also the seven daughters aren't going anywhere? So." Yennefer folded her hands. "How shall you proceed?"

"The king has decided to commission a series of tapestries depicting himself performing the legendary and heroic deeds of others," Yennefer said. "That money is getting spent despite all of your best efforts. The key words, however, for our current concern are 'of others.' He wants to take pictorial credit for the actions of some of his notable nobles' family members: one duke's great-grandfather who allegedly slew a dragon, another's father driving out the elves to clear new farmland for his people. If word of this gets out, or if heavens forbid the tapestries get made, it could cause...some friction. His Majesty's argument?"

Yennefer clicked a button on her remote, and the king said, "But they are my accomplishments! They're the accomplishments of my country, therefore they're mine!"

"I'm not sure that's how that works," Yennefer told him, and paused him again before he could reply. To her students, she said, "Your assignment is to convince him to at least come up with some whoppers that no one can prove he didn't do." Perhaps he could tell the story of the events in the tapestries to people in a way that involved people calling him 'sir' a lot with tears in their eyes.

"Congratulations," Yennefer said, sounding like she was in no way congratulating her students. "However you did it, you successfully convinced your king not to steal tapestries from a noble. However, he still wants new tapestries to hang in the Great Hall. Freshen the place up a bit. Problem: tapestries are expensive. Solution: levy a new tax to pay for them! New problem: the peasantry is, if not overtaxed, definitely heavily taxed, and all reports indicate the harvest will be bad, due to...various weather conditions, don't worry about that. Perhaps redecorating is not what we should be spending the people's money on right now? Just a thought. That you may wish to convince His Majesty of."

"While you were away from your kingdom dealing with Hugh and his mess, a situation has developed at home," Yennefer told her students. "You will perhaps be pleased to know that it is not the ruler being an idiot this time. Rather, several of the nobles, who are either unmarried or have unmarried sons, are pressuring the queen regent to either remarry herself, or to choose who her daughter will marry when she comes of age. Most of them are not pushing for both, because they assume that whoever marries one of these women will become the true power behind the throne...which might not be entirely a bad thing. Remember: your queen was unprepared and reluctant to rule. Having a partner could be a very welcome thing, if it is the right partner. And Princess Calanthe will have to marry eventually, to secure the succession. That's unavoidable.

"So: your queen wants your advice. What would you tell her to do?"

"Today we're going to watch a...what is it called again? Oh, yes, a film about what can happen when a fed-up advisor to the throne goes too far," Yennefer said. At least, she thought that was what it was about. "Please enjoy."

"The king has died in a 'hunting accident,'" Yennefer announced to the class. She didn't know about air quotes so she didn't do them, but they were nonetheless audible in her words. "Very tragic, so unfortunate, blah blah blah. As his idiot cousin, whose name I have quite forgotten, has not yet turned up from his mysterious disappearance, the kingdom is in a state of confusion regarding who the next king should be. You have planned for this. The time has come to introduce Princess..." Shit, she'd forgotten to give her a name. Well, none of these people would know that Cintra was a matriarchy. "Calanthe. Princess Calanthe as the next ruler of the kingdom. "You must sell it to the court. Make your speech a good one."

"You've decided to overthrow the king and you've brought the queen onto your side. Things are moving along nicely, but there's a slight hitch this week," Yennefer said to her class. "Some asshole of a sorcerer named Stregobor has arrived in the kingdom. Stregobor believes firmly in 'the Curse of the Black Sun,' whereby princesses born under a solar eclipse are cursed to be evil and bring forth the goddess Lilit upon the world, blah blah terrible internal mutations blah blah end of the world. It's unclear whether this is a real thing or not; most other sorcerers honestly think Stregobor is cracked up. Unfortunately, he is also very powerful, so...it's a problem.

"Now. It just so happens that the eldest princess of your kingdom, the one you're planning to install upon the throne, was born under a lunar eclipse. Stregobor is concerned. He wants to verify for himself that she is not touched by the Curse of the Black Sun...which he can only do by examining her insides, AKA: by autopsy. A minor loss for the greater good, you understand, of course...except you don't. Not only are you protecting an innocent life, you need that girl. If you casually let Stregobor kill her on the principle that you have five more princesses to put on the throne, her mother, who you need on your side, will never trust you again.

"Lucky for you, the king, still oblivious to your plans, can't be bothered to deal with foreign sorcerers himself." Yennefer bared her teeth in a smile. "That's my job. So he has sent Stregobor to me, and therefore, to you. You can't kill him, tempting though it may be. He's too powerful and it would raise too many questions from the Council. So: talk him out of it."

Yennefer was positively beaming as she greeted the class today. "The castle has awakened this morning to the news that the queen has been safely delivered of a healthy baby..."

Yennefer paused and took a deep breath, and the smile fell off her face. "Girl. The new princess joins her five sisters in the nursery." She cut a glance over at the king, sulking upon his throne. "Did I happen to mention that this is the sort of kingdom where only men are dubbed fit to rule? I don't suppose it came up until now.

"Now, his majesty here has several options in this situation. He could change the law of succession. Some other kingdoms already allow rule by women, and he has several lovely, intelligent daughters." She looked at the king again and felt compelled to explain, "...they take after their mother. He could cross his fingers and hope that the next one is a boy, solving the problem, or that the queen dies in childbirth, leaving him free to remarry. Or he could decide that this is all the queen's fault, as obviously the man has nothing to do with whether a baby is a boy or a girl, and he needs to get rid of her immediately and find a new wife who will give him lots of sons!" Yennefer gave her students another smile. This one was bitter and mocking. "Guess which option he's chosen.

"Again, within the umbrella of 'get rid of the queen,' the king has multiple options. He could reason with the queen and convince her it's for the best for everyone, and quietly divorce her, setting her up with her own household and all honors. He could unilaterally divorce her, bulling it through the courts despite the objections of the faith and her noble relatives. He could accuse her of adultery, manufacture evidence, and execute her. Or he could hire an assassin to get rid of her quickly so he can just move on with things. There's a lady in waiting he's got his eye on." Yennefer gave the king a contemptuous look. "Again, you can guess which option our sovereign with impulse control problems has chosen. Your job is to talk him out of it, of course...and probably most of that last list, as well. Best of luck."

Upon entering the Danger Shop, the students would find themselves in a well-appointed medieval-style sitting room, with Henry VIII occupying the nicest chair in the place.

Yennefer, standing behind the chair and to the side, told her students, "You are visiting a lord in your kingdom, for...the hunting or some such, the commemorative feast of a famous battle, I don't know, who cares, and your advisee has taken a liking to some of his host's tapestries and wants them packed up to take home with him, as a gift. After all, why shouldn't his host give him a gift?

"You, of course, being a sensible person, realize that this will give offense, as firstly, tapestries are very expensive and you can't just demand your host give you expensive things, and secondly, your host didn't actually give them to you so that would be stealing for anyone other than a king. Your task is to convince your advisee to leave the tapestries be. Good luck."