Fandom High School

Yes, that framed photo of Captain America and Sam was still displayed prominently on the wall behind Sam. Yes, Sam was positioned behind his podium, occasionally giving his photo adoring glances before checking the time.

"Good morning students! Welcome to our final session! The summer is nearly over. I hope you have been enlightened by our time together. I have certainly enjoyed sharing some of the best parts of this great country with you."

Was that what Sam had been doing this summer? Sure. Let's call it that.

"I wanted to do something special for our final class together. I considered recreating the Miss America pageant with you all as contestants. However I was contacted by a legal team advising against this. Enforcing intellectual property is also very American and must be respected." Also those Muppet lawyers saved everyone from Beaker winning the swimsuit competition by a landslide. You're welcome, Fandom.

"Instead, we shall discuss theme parks!" Yes, he said discuss. You didn't really think Sam would do anything so fun as take you on a field trip, did you? Perish the thought. You were getting another PowerPoint. "Particularly Disney parks!" Because Sam was owned by the Mouse along with all of his friends.

"Disneyland," Sam said, "opened in July of 1955. An extremely American vacation destination for the past 66 years! Why, it is so American that when you first enter the park you find yourself on Main Street, USA. Even some Disney parks located in countries other than America have this idealized vision of the American past for you to experience! Even in...France." Sam gave a little shudder. "You will find yourself in a small town, with quaint and wholesome shops and appropriately themed dining. A magic shop, bakery, a barbershop, a fire station, a town hall, a hot dog stand...all things you can find on various Main Streets in Disney parks around the world. And more, of course! Horse-drawn vehicles, trolleys, a cinema, and a magnificent experience involving our 16th president. You will truly feel transported to a more simple time in this country." You'd feel more transported if Sam had taken you on a field trip though, wouldn't you?

"In addition to various delightful Main Streets, you may find such areas as Liberty Square at the Magic Kingdom. There you will find the Hall of Presidents, an educational and thrilling attraction involving each and every American president. You may also find some outdoor entertainment, at times, that I hear is quite good. Additionally, many parks contain Frontierland, a celebration of the American Old West! And at Epcot, in Florida, you will find the American Adventure in the middle of World Showcase. Because we are at the center of it all!" Sure, Sam. "Also located there is a truly wonderful barbecue restaurant."

"I recommend visiting these parks," Sam continued. "For a truly American experience. Of course, you should choose the two American parks over any of the others. Naturally." Sam wanted you to visit, really he did. He just didn't want to visit with any of you weirdos.

Was the framed photo of Captain America and Sam still prominently displayed in the classroom behind the large felt eagle? Of course it was! Did that mean Sam was carrying the framed photograph to and from class each time? Of course he was!

As always, Sam began speaking precisely on time. That was just how Sam was. Prompt and efficient!

“A key component of Americana is nostalgia! Longing for a period in the past. A much less weird time.” A time before Sam had come to an island full of drunken squirrels or a theater full of weirdos, for example. “Today I, Sam Eagle, have brought you a film to watch! A very American film! Set in a simpler time in a small midwestern town in America. A film about music! With a marching band! I enjoy marching bands. And marches. Very patriotic!”

It was also a film that Sam didn’t really read the description of closely. He really wouldn’t approve of meta for Harold Hill’s shenanigans. Sam never approved of shenanigans.

Sam was behind the usual podium in the usual classroom once more this week. Thankfully (or not, depending on your point of view) this week’s class was not being held virtually.

“Welcome back, students! I trust you have all recovered from the holes that plagued this island for the past few weeks. And from any unpleasantness you might have suffered yesterday but let us not speak of that!” Seriously. Don’t speak of it. That was how you got a yelling bird at the front of the room going on and on about indecency and moral decay.

“Now, some of you have missed some of our classes! Not to worry. I would be pleased to catch you up on what you may have missed due excessive weirdness. We have discussed Independence Day and baseball thus far! Please see me after class if you have questions pertaining to those subjects.”

“In light of recent events,” Sam continued (really, don’t bring up yesterday), “today we shall discuss something extremely wholesome. Today, in Americana! Presented by me, Sam Eagle, we shall discuss famed American artist Norman Rockwell.”

Oh look, a powerpoint presentation showing examples of Rockwell’s art. How did Sam put these together on a computer with only felt wings?

“You may be familiar with some of Mr. Rockwell’s work! He illustrated covers for Boy’s Life magazine, and more famously, The Saturday Evening Post. He also did illustration for such famed and extremely American companies as Coca-Cola, Jell-O, and General Motors! He also was very helpful to the war effort during World War II. I should find out if Captain America ever met him!”

Such a fanbird, Sam was.

“I have, of course, many more interesting facts about Mr. Rockwell. Please, feel free to ask questions!”