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Journalism: Thursday, Period 4, Class 7

"Making it quick and easy this week. Horoscopes are crap, presented by charlatans, crazy people, Toby, and people who just have nothing better to do," Jonah said. "Astrologists claim to give predictions for people based on their birthdays. It's broken up into twelve signs: Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Capricorn, Aquarius, and Pisces. It doesn't matter what they are or where they fall because it's all crap."

"So, to make all of our lives easier, just dive right in and tell everyone in the world what their futures are based on when they were born. And throw out some lucky numbers while you're at it. Get to work!"

[OOC: Oh, and if any of the tired, sexless students want to cause a disruption and get a detention, just let me know. :D ]

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Looking into the stars. Whatever that means.

Cal Stephanides

Warren Peace

Worf

Amber Atkins

Blair Waldorf

Claire Fisher

Toby

Rikku

Anemone

Tedd Altman

Sam Witwicky

Go ahead and just write 'Crap' in your notebooks.

Warren wasn't even going to take notes on this. If JJJ called it crap, that was good enough for him.

... Okay, so maybe he did write 'Crap' in his notebook. So?

Amber's cheek was against her notebook. Leave her alone. She was only going to close her eyes for a second.

"ATKINS!" Jonah yelled in his best 'yell really loud to get your attention' voice. "Just because the topic is crap doesn't mean you get to sleep in my class!"

"Oh my god!" she gasped, popping her head up off her desk.

"I..." she fell asleep oops "...you totally scared me half to death!"

"Stay awake and you don't need to worry about that happening anymore," Jonah said matter-of-factly.

"There was a stupid fire drill at two this morning," she explained, defensively.

"It's after lunch, you could have napped this morning if you needed to," Jonah said. "Want to try another excuse?"

"Um. I was up early because my boyfriend cooked breakfast?" she said, raising her brows. "Why do I have to have an excuse for being tired? Not like I was running around all little and... biting people or anything. Everyone is tired!" Oh, look at her speaking for the entire class.

Ma would be proud of her righteous stand.

Edited 2009-02-19 14:06 (UTC)

"Lame excuse, for one, unless breakfast took five or six hours," Jonah said. "And if you don't need a good excuse for sleeping in my class, then I don't need a good excuse for giving you a detention. But I have one anyway. Have fun on an upcoming Saturday, Miss Atkins!"

Her jaw dropped.

"No way! That's totally not fair!"

"It's not fair to me that a student decided to take a nap in my class. The difference is that I can do something about it," Jonah said with a smile. "I can do something about it again and take another Saturday away from you, too. Want to keep pressing your luck?"

Amber opened her mouth. Then closed it. Open. Close.

"No," she muttered, deciding she better just shut up.

"Just.. it was an accident." She couldn't help but add that.

"Good. We'll just stick with just the one then," Jonah said. "Now stay awake."

"Yes, sir," she mumbled, and tried to take notes in her notebook.

Gah. Stupid detention.

Horoscopes? Oh, whatever. Claire doodled little astrological symbols during the lecture, mostly for something to do with her hands.

See, now this is when Toby wished he had like, a notebook.

Rikku was tired, and Rikku was cranky. It was an odd combination for her.

So she was just going to write HOROSCOPES SUCK in big letters and then doodle in the margins.

Most of the doodles were violent.

Make up twelve fortunes for people. You don't even have to give the right signs. That's how much disdain Jonah has for horoscopes.

Warren didn't really have to think hard before he came up with twelve horoscopes.

Aries: Don't piss off Warren. He will burn you.
Taurus: Don't piss off Warren. He will barbecue you.
Gemini: Don't piss off Warren. He'll burn you twice.
Cancer: Crab bake. Seriously.
Leo: Piss off Warren, he'll light your hair on fire.
Virgo: You get burned even more thoroughly, because as a virgin, you have no idea why this week sucks so much.
Libra: If you bother Warren? Justice will be met. With fire.
Scorpio: You think desert heat is hot?
Sagittarius: Kill it with fire.
Capricorn: Kill it with fire and then let a goat piss in the ashes.
Aquarius: I don't care if you're a water sign. That's what oil spills are for.
Pisces: You're lucky fish are quiet. You get to live.

So far as Warren was concerned, they were really self-fulfilling prophecies.

"Too self-congratulatory and threatening," Jonah said. "Especially since there are a good number of people in the country who don't know a Warren. However, it is horoscopes, so a) nobody who matters really cares that much, and b) the people who care about this crap and don't know a Warren will be expecting to meet one any day after reading that. Decent job."

... Warren could live with 'decent.'

"Horoscopes are crap," he intoned with a shrug. "But thanks."

Worf made the same fortune for each one.

"Do not annoy the man with the forehead ridges for he will hurt you."

"Just like Peace's, too self-congratulatory, too threatening, and yours need more variety. I'll give you credit for being a little more vague so that it'll apply to more people, though," Jonah said.

Amber just needed a long nap. She had plans tonight dammit.

Aries - You kind of fail at life. Have a lot of sex, it will make you feel better.
Virgo - Go back to bed. If you haven't gotten any yet, you're not likely to in any near future.
Gemini - Your lucky number is 4. Go have fun.
Aquarius - Spring Break will be awesome for you. Watch out for the sharks, though.
Pisces - Reeses Pieces are yummy.
Cancer - There is no cancer in your future. Rejoice!
Leo - RAWR!
Scorpio - You scare everybody. What is wrong with you?
Sagittarius - You'll find love, laughter, and a new pocket book next week. Good for you.
Capricorn: Just do it. Whatever it is. Do it.
Taurus - That's kind of an ugly car, don't you think?
Gemini - You're way too shiny. It's okay though because everybody loves you.

Yes, she did Gemini twice and forgot Libra. Shut up.

Edited 2009-02-19 14:14 (UTC)

"See what you can accomplish when you're awake? Aside from missing Libra, you actually did pretty well," Jonah said. "Good job."

Claire could only remember seven of the signs:

Pisces -- You will sprain your ankle and limp all day. Wear better shoes.
Taurus -- You will break a nail. OW.
Gemini -- Watch for your own double.
Virgo -- Man, your life sucks.
Scorpio -- You'll have a really weird taste in your mouth all day.
Libra -- Don't go near the water. Take sponge baths.
Sagittarius -- Someone close to you doesn't really like you much.

"You missed a few, but since that might make people from the other five months realize that they have no future if they rely on horoscopes, I'll deal with it," Jonah said. "Halfway respectable job."

This wasn't too hard for Rikku; after all, she'd done horoscopes for a while there, for the paper, and had gotten good at churning out random ideas.

Aries: A strange man will offer you financial opportunities. Just remember: coins have two sides.
Taurus: The bull defends its territory, but at what cost?
Gemini: Some sunshine would do you good. Time to think about a vacation!
Cancer: He's just not that into you. Sorry.
Leo: Listen to your friends today. They've got the inside angle on that plan you're cooking up.
Virgo: Do something for you. Haven't you earned it? A nice, relaxing bubble bath might be just what you need.
Libra: Do your homework. This time, the teacher will be calling on you.
Scorpio: That girl you've been dreaming about? Ask her out, already. She's been dropping enough hints.
Sagittarius: Tell your mom you love her. She doesn't hear it enough.
Capricorn: Do something nice for your neighbors, or even your whole floor. Pastries are a nice way to show you care.
Aquarius: Speak clearly today. Misunderstandings can lead to hurt feelings with close friends.
Pisces: You will never, ever have sex again because this island hates you along with all the rest of us.

This was like fortune-cookies, only not quite as awesome, so Anemone hummed happily as she went about making stuff up.

Aries: Don't look under the bed.
Taurus: Don't wear red.
Gemini: Actually, you're the evil twin. Sorry.
Cancer: Beware of lemon juice.
Leo: Yes, it is.
Virgo: Sucker.
Libra: They're going to cheat, so don't do it.
Scorpio: I see lots of sunshine in your future. Take sunscreen.
Sagittarius: Keep your head down.
Capricorn: It's not chicken.
Aquarius: The leaky jug gets plugged, that's all I'm saying.
Pisces: You really don't want to to do that, but you're going to go ahead and do it anyway.

Because he wants to talk to you. Really.

The bringer of coffee for Jonah.

Rikku had Jonah's coffee, and had gotten extra chocolate in her mochaccino, today.

"I hate fire drills," she announced. "Can I write some kinda expose on how they're ruining society and life as we know it?"

"It's your paper, write whatever you want," Jonah said. "But don't cry if your room burns down because the fire department is clueless."

"I'll put it out myself," she grumped. "This island sucks. I hate everything."

Rikku didn't get the grouchies very often, but when she did, she went into full-sulk mode.

The only horoscopes I trust are in The Onion.

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