"Hello, children!" Today, the class was meeting in a normal classroom, which was kind of disappointing for Robin, but such was life. "Today, our focus is dating, sex, all that good stuff. Now, before anyone thinks otherwise, I'm not infringing on Mar -- um, Mr. Eriksen's territory here. He and I have somewhat different approaches to this topic -- see also how he and L...Ms. Aldrin have been together since you guys were in diapers, and I kept up a streak of dating random guys from the age of sixteen to...well, the last couple years. You don't need to know how old I am."



She cleared her throat. "Now, now, I know you all think you know what you're doing out there. Remember, I get to report on your cute little lives every Thursday," Robin reminded them. "But the fact is, some of you probably could stand to do a hell of a lot better."

"First off: what makes a good date? This changes for everyone, but there's a few basic things. Don't make your date uncomfortable. Nerves are one thing. Insane sweating and non-stop chatter, less okay. Show your date a good time. A lot of people like dinner and a movie -- I personally think it's a pretty good combination, given that if you hate one another, you've got a guaranteed hour and a half where you don't have to talk. But again, it's all a matter of taste and your own affluence and creativity. Make sure your date is actually enjoying him or herself, because guys, here's the thing: they're not going to put out if they don't have a good time. Or, you know, go on a second date. Whatever."

"That brings me to point number two: dating aside, sometimes we all just want a good one-night stand, right? Right. Now, I don't know how that works for you guys here, since you have access to a bar, but that's a good way to do it. Alcohol is a wonderful way to get to know people, lower inhibitions, and get them to go back to your dorm room with you. But you still have to remember the dating rules, about not making people uncomfortable and not coming on too strong. And never ever forget safety first. Don't go home with anyone without telling someone where you're going, and always use a condom. Don't be afraid to use a fake name and number, too, if it'll make you feel better."

"And finally, the aftermath. Whether you have a fabulous first date, or a night where your little dorm bed was rockin' and so your roommate couldn't come a-knockin', you need to remember something very, very, very important, guys: staring at a telephone will not make it ring." Robin was completely solemn. "I don't care if you've decided you're in love with this person, or whether you want to spend the rest of your natural life with them. It's not going to work. Just because you had some good sex or a nice night with someone doesn't mean your life needs to stop until they call you. Get out there and live. And that doesn't mean stalk them. Just clarifying."

She clapped her hands together. "So here's what we're going to do, because guys, you have to always be prepared for the worst. I want you to partner up and tell each other what your ideal date would be -- where you would want to go, whether it'd end with a kiss at the front door or the next morning when you kicked them out of bed, what you'd talk about, so on -- and then I want the person hearing this little story to tell how they think that date could go wrong. Like, if I said that my ideal date was a moonlit walk on the beach, while holding hands and smoking cigars while we passed a flask back and forth, my partner should present the idea that we could easily catch on fire from the cigars and alcohol, or a tidal wave could come, or a shark could attack nearby and throw off the whole mood. And don't forget things like your date not being into you, or coming down with food poisoning, or calling you a hooker in an alien language you don't understand. Not, um, that that's happened to anyone."

She pointed to a little fishbowl of wee square packets on her desk. "Also, I figured that if I was teaching the class on sex and dating, I might as well bring some presents. So...help yourselves. None of them are flavored or anything, but there are a few glow-in-the-dark ones. Remember, just because you're monogamous doesn't mean they don't have herpes!"